Just breaking out of my usual poetry for a moment to follow up on last night’s poem. I wrote it a week or so ago when I was feeling blue and found it hard to answer the question ‘what’s wrong?’ from an enquiring friend. Of course I did attempt to post it here then, but the confidence it would take to post such a thing was long gone so I couldn’t. Luckily I didn’t just delete it, but left it as a draft, lurking quietly in my WordPress dashboard.
I get a little blue from time to time. I’m lucky enough to just get mildly blue, not really properly depressed as far as I can tell. It usually lasts a few days to a week, and I get the feeling it may be related to hormones, but I’m never quite sure. It was worse around the time my marriage was falling apart and afterwards, and mistakes I made in the first few months had me sinking back down there. Since then it’s better, but I still get blue without any particular reason although my life is good and I am happy with how things are now.
Anyway, why am I telling you this? For one thing, to say I’m fine right now, in case you were wondering/worrying about me. Also because I’m aware that I’m not the only one. I know it can be difficult to get on with life and try and keep that smile on when you’re blue, or the black dog has you, or you are sinking in the dark. I wanted to be able to express to those people who don’t understand, that it’s complicated and telling us to snap out of it, or cheer up, really doesn’t help. I wanted to explain that I am aware of all the good things in my life and I can clearly see how lucky I am, and how happy I am (or should be). But when I’m blue it’s just like I’m walking in a fog and though there is this awareness of the good things, I just can’t feel it. All I can feel is the weight on my shoulders pushing me down, and everything is hard, and tears are close at hand, I lose all confidence in my abilities and my choices (even simple decisions!) and the overwhelming feeling is that I am useless, hopeless and worthless. I wanted the other people out there who get like this to know you’re not alone, and that other people do understand, and for those that don’t we need to try and explain it to them. If you’ve not been there it must be really hard to get it.
So if you are blue right now (or whatever terminology you use for it), I’m sorry, and I understand. I’ll leave these hugs here for you, so that when you feel up to it, you can pick one up and wrap it round you for a moments comfort.
Hugs all xxx