paint

I wear my face
bare
it is my way
does this make me
brave?
I have my issues
(as you know)
but on a good day
I see
I’m beautiful
from the inside
no paint required

and yet
I see that
you need it
as your armour
for the day
or you just
like the way
you look
so glamorous

but

does my daughter
know
how beautiful she is?

or will she
see so many women
painted
and believe
she has to
cover up her skin?

I want so much
for her
and all the girls
to know
their inner beauty
shines through
much more strongly
than surface perfection
that their faces
and bodies
are good
and strong
and wonderful
as different
or similar
as they may be

paint
or
no paint

at the end of the day

as weary as I am
as blue-tinged as I am
with endocrine absurdity
my heart still lifts
to see you
my smile sneaks out
despite my tears
of pure irrationality
within your arms
my soul’s at rest
your kiss becomes
my medicine
and fears subside
tense muscles droop
as I relax
I’m home

remember this …

when darkness falls
as thick as death
and all you see
is in your head

when ice surrounds
as cold as night
and all you feel
is frozen numb

when everything’s
impossible
and all you do
is just exist

remember this …

the light will come
hope will return
your heart will thaw
this will be won

your soul is strong
your mind is tough
you will emerge
transformed and bright

you’re not the dark
you’re not the ice
they are not you
be free, take flight


this isn’t everything you are
breathe deeply in the silence
no sudden moves
this isn’t everything you are
just take the hand that’s offered
and hold on tight
this isn’t everything you are
there’s joy not far from here
I know there is
this isn’t everything you are

Snow Patrol – This Isn’t Everything You Are

fight

fight the darkness
fight it hard
fight dirty if you need to
there are no rules
no etiquette
no Marquess of Queensberry rules
so punch and push
and kick and scratch
pull hair and poke its eyes out
bite and head-butt if you will
with knee to groin most forceful
fight the darkness
fight it hard
don’t listen to its lies
hold to the light
hold to it tight
challenge the darkness
fight fight fight

A Note

Just breaking out of my usual poetry for a moment to follow up on last night’s poem. I wrote it a week or so ago when I was feeling blue and found it hard to answer the question ‘what’s wrong?’ from an enquiring friend. Of course I did attempt to post it here then, but the confidence it would take to post such a thing was long gone so I couldn’t. Luckily I didn’t just delete it, but left it as a draft, lurking quietly in my WordPress dashboard.

I get a little blue from time to time. I’m lucky enough to just get mildly blue, not really properly depressed as far as I can tell. It usually lasts a few days to a week, and I get the feeling it may be related to hormones, but I’m never quite sure. It was worse around the time my marriage was falling apart and afterwards, and mistakes I made in the first few months had me sinking back down there. Since then it’s better, but I still get blue without any particular reason although my life is good and I am happy with how things are now.

Anyway, why am I telling you this? For one thing, to say I’m fine right now, in case you were wondering/worrying about me. Also because I’m aware that I’m not the only one. I know it can be difficult to get on with life and try and keep that smile on when you’re blue, or the black dog has you, or you are sinking in the dark. I wanted to be able to express to those people who don’t understand, that it’s complicated and telling us to snap out of it, or cheer up, really doesn’t help. I wanted to explain that I am aware of all the good things in my life and I can clearly see how lucky I am, and how happy I am (or should be). But when I’m blue it’s just like I’m walking in a fog and though there is this awareness of the good things, I just can’t feel it. All I can feel is the weight on my shoulders pushing me down, and everything is hard, and tears are close at hand, I lose all confidence in my abilities and my choices (even simple decisions!) and the overwhelming feeling is that I am useless, hopeless and worthless. I wanted the other people out there who get like this to know you’re not alone, and that other people do understand, and for those that don’t we need to try and explain it to them. If you’ve not been there it must be really hard to get it.

So if you are blue right now (or whatever terminology you use for it), I’m sorry, and I understand. I’ll leave these hugs here for you, so that when you feel up to it, you can pick one up and wrap it round you for a moments comfort.

Hugs all xxx